Real Talk Moment: Body Image
I know most of my blog posts in recent years have been book related and I haven't exactly been keeping up with it (sorry readers!), but I'm going to try and start blogging more again, and go back to including more than just what I've been reading (though there will still be some posts of those!).
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That said, as the COVID-19 stay at home / social distancing has been going on for months, I haven't gotten out in public much. I'll probably end up sharing some of my quarantine thoughts at some point, but today I wanted to talk about going to the "beach" (it was actually a reservoir) for the first time all summer, and how I felt in my swim suit being that I've come a long way with my body and to be honest, weigh much more than I have in previous summers. This may be a longer post, and it's going to delve into my history with body image and eating disorders, so if that is a flag for you, you may not want to read the whole post.
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For those of you who don't know, the water is my happy place. It always has been. However, this summer as I look at pictures in my bathing suit, I can see how much my body has changed, and I've realized for the first time looking at pictures of myself at a different weight, I don't hate it. (even the tiny little piece of water plant in my strap).
In high school, I had an eating disorder that I didn't want to acknowledge. I wouldn't eat most, if not all, of my meals each day. I had a rule that I was not allowed to weigh more than 120 lbs and to ensure it, I would weigh myself every day (if not multiple times per day). I regularly wore a baggy sweatshirt that was a men's XXL and claimed it was because it was the only size they had in the store that had a heartagram on it (big HIM and Viva La Bam fan in my teen years). While true that it was actually the only size left, it was also an excuse that I wasn't ready to admit to myself. I took pride in the fact that if I sucked in my gut a little bit, I could practically wrap my hand around my ribs. I ate lunch in school with one group of friends and would claim I wasn't eating because I was getting pizza after school with other friends. I would tell my friends I went to the pizzeria with that I wasn't hungry after the lunch I ate in school. When I got home, I would try to sneak food to the dog, into a napkin, pretend I wasn't feeling well, or would claim to have eaten both a lunch at school and pizza after. My mother was of course concerned, but I kept brushing her off and making excuses. Finally, one of my friends who had the same lunch period but sat at a different table, and also came to the pizzeria called me out without making it obvious to our other friends that that was what he was doing. That's when it finally clicked for me that maybe my mom was right, and I did have something going on with my avoidance of food. After that, I started making a slow, but conscious effort to overcome my eating disorder and body image issues. This would take YEARS.
Fast forward a bit, to about half way through college, to one day at the sorority house. A sister pulled out her scale as she was getting ready to move either in or out, and I realized I hadn't weighed myself in ages. When I stepped on the scale, I learned that I was 140 lbs. My first thought was panic. I had somehow gained 20 lbs and was terrified. I voiced this to my sister, and she sat me down and we talked about my body image and how I was actually feeling in my body at the time. I realized I felt happier and healthier at 140 lbs than I ever had at 120 lbs. I was in probably the best shape of my life, and realized that the number on the scale shouldn't be what matters (as long as my clothes fit).
Fast forward again, to when I had graduated and gotten my first desk job. I still wasn't weighing myself regularly, wasn't exercising as much, but also was actively trying not to let the size of my pants scare me. I had definitely put on more weight, but when I looked in the mirror I felt beautiful. I was in a loving relationship where my spouse never made me feel uncomfortable with my weight, and I realized I was happier even than I had been in college. During the few years I was with that company I had changed roles and buildings, and my weight had continued to change despite the fact that I tried to eat healthy and workout some (just not nearly as much as I was running around in college trying to catch buses and darting from campus to campus. And if we're honest, in college I probably still skipped a good chunk of meals and blamed it on forgetting while I ran around to classes). Well, some of my coworkers from my former position came to my new building for a company wide meeting, and wound up asking my friend after if I had gotten pregnant and who the father was. Of course, this threw me back into a spiral of 'do I actually look that fat??' Answer from all of my friends and new coworkers that heard the former coworkers ask 'absolutely not. You look healthy and happy.'
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To wrap it up: please do not ever ask a woman things like "are you loosing weight before your wedding? are you pregnant? did you know if you breast feed you might lose the baby weight faster? etc etc etc" Let her tell you if she has something she's trying to work on, and support her instead of judging her. Thanks! 😀
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